Is it ok to feel happy? Because…I feel good.

My mom’s funeral last Thursday was what my mom would have wanted. The preacher spoke about God, we sang traditional hymns that she loved, and my sister gave a beautiful eulogy. I spoke at the end of the service, I was the only person who did get up and speak when everyone was given the opportunity. It surprised me, but I do not judge anyone for how they grieve or how they decide to honor my mom’s life.

I feel somehow guilty for being glad the service is behind us instead of lingering in front of us. I’m glad we have the space to move forward even as we still think about her. I find myself thinking about her, my childhood, her death, her illness, her service, my dad, and my siblings every single day, multiple times a day. But, most of the time I am moving about life and actually feeling pretty good. Part of me feels some self-judgement there, like it is not supposed to be so easy to move on and feel normal. Most of me knows that isn’t fair and that I have definitely mourned. I spent a week helping go through all her things and make decision about how best to honor her in the process. Most of her clothing went to resource centers that directly help people in need. I like that better than places like Goodwill, where they sell the items to people. I wanted her things to go to someone who needs it, free of charge. We donated her craft supplies to daycares and the senior center, we donated other items to Opportunity House. Yes, they do sell many of their donated items in their thrift store – but it goes to directly benefit the homeless shelter they run. They also give items to families when it works out that way. So, all in all, we did it right.

How are the 5 goals doing? Well, the week 2 workouts were going strong and I had planned to continue on Thursday morning before the service. It just didn’t work out that way, I was hosting the post-service reception at my house and I wanted to make everything extra nice to honor my mom. I spent the morning getting things ready and taking joy from making it nice for her.

I still planned to work out on Friday…and then I didn’t. But today I was back on track for week 3. It is part of how I planned it…to begin the workout week on Mondays and take weekends off. Mondays always feel like a new beginning to me, a new opportunity to have a great week…so no matter how last week went, Monday is a fresh start.

Today was awesome. I ran 4 miles this morning, outside in the early dawn…with birds singing, and the spring trees blooming, and the dew on the grass sparkling in the early morning sunlight. Seriously, it was that good. 🙂 The rest of the workout didn’t happen today due to time. I still run slowly, so the 4 miles took about 45 (ok more like 50) minutes and then I had to get moving on getting ready for classes. I hadn’t prepped as much a normal over the weekend (more Van therapy!) and I needed to get things set up for today’s classes…then I had my vaccine scheduled for right after school, then it was grocery shopping on the way home, then…life. As a result, the 10 minutes of weight training and 10 minutes of yoga/stretching didn’t happen today, but they will happen tomorrow.

As for the other goals…works in progress. I am eating more veggies and drinking more water, but I haven’t done a very good job of keeping track lately. So, I will make that a priority this week. I have not lost (or gained) any weight…but I have been on my period for a week and that always makes the scale go wacko…numbers just can’t be trusted the week before, during, and sometimes after my period. Yes, that is 3 out of 4 weeks in the month. But, that’s how it has been since perimenopause began. The bloating is ridiculous. I puff up so bad sometimes that my hands swell up and actually bother me. So, I need to wait until next week to see what’s what with the scale. The fact that I didn’t go up this week is a good sign. This isn’t supposed to be about losing weight anyway, it is supposed to be about feeling better physically and mentally. So far, that is actually happening. I guess that means the scale can suck it!

What a Difference a Day Makes…Depression is a BEAST!

Yesterday was a struggle. Today is going ok so far, but you never know what the next moment will bring with these damn hormones, thanks perimenopause 😦 This struggle I am having with depression is no joke! I have had recent major battles and many minor skirmishes in this war of mine. Some days I win, some days I lose, some days it’s a draw…and sometimes it is a month of total despair. Yesterday…I guess it was a win, but it was a close call.

Yesterday I barely did a workout and, if you read yesterday’s post, I was pretty pissed off about doing it. I am so glad I did! I feel better today and knowing I have my “week 2” off to a good start makes me feel so happy. I am glad I didn’t blow it yesterday. The rest of my goals yesterday were totally out the window, but the workout is the one I really want to maintain. It used to be a daily habit…then I got covid…then I got severely depressed…then post-covid syndrome…then severe iron deficiency anemia…Jesus…I have been through A LOT in the last year. Add on my mom’s illness and recent death and you have one HELL of a reason to struggle with some depression. Maybe I should take a minute to give myself a wee bit of compassion.

So today, I only needed a little push to get my workout going…and I even managed to get past all my internal obstacles to running outside. It used to be my primary workout…but a few dog attacks, general feelings of not being safe, some post-traumatic flashbacks of my multitude of ankle breaks and sprains, and the recent bout of awful “is this a heart attack?” chest pains while running (thanks to the severe anemia and iron deficiency)…have created some internal anxiety barriers that spring up when it comes to going out for a run. I generally hate treadmill running, but if outside is feeling “blocked” for me due to anxiety, then the treadmill is my friend. Lately I run on the treadmill inside most of the time with occasional moments of feeling up to going outside.

Today was an outside day! This morning was a cool and breezy, spring-like morning and I felt up to it. It felt so great to break into a jog down the driveway and pop in my earbuds, it was feeling wonderful. Then I came around the corner at the end of the block and saw a dog that had gotten out. He was directly in my running path and I have had enough encounters with loose dogs to know I should avoid them if I don’t want an unpleasant confrontation. I slowly backed away and headed back home. I considered trying the other direction, but that one has a notorious house with dog issues and I’ve had multiple incidents with their dogs…so I never go that way anymore.

I felt so discouraged as I walked back up my driveway. I had finally gotten outside, I was so happy, it was going to be so nice….and the dog ruined it for me. I was tempted to just go inside and sulk. But I opened up the windows in my workout room and got on the treadmill.

Today was definitely a WIN. I had a great workout; I went over the minimums in all categories and even spent 5 minutes meditating at the end. Dog be damned!

Goal 5 is done….let me try and shoot for the other 4 today.

Check-in 7/8

It has been a few days since my last post.  I went camping.  I knew before I left that I couldn’t maintain the same program while camping, but I had hoped to come close.  I packed with the best of intentions….

and then I slowly went off the rails.  And I was on my period.  It is true that I had “gained” back 3 pounds before I left, and now I have added 2 more.   I am trying to keep myself motivated and avoid the “oh, just give up” urge.

While that first week was really “successful” it was awful.  I have done extreme dieting before, but never have I been so miserable and hungry for so many days.  Yes, it was PMS week and that probably had something to do with it.  But, damn, that was pretty awful and I don’t want to attempt to sustain that at all.

So, I will see this as a work in progress.  I refuse to stop trying and I will force myself to keep blogging, because that seems to ground me.

I got home from camping on Sunday.  I tried to get back on track on Monday, here’s how it went:

Monday 7/6:  I ran 5 miles and did upper body work and core work.  Total workout time = about 2 hours.  YAY!!!!  I had planned to also work on some projects at home, but I pretty much crashed down after the workout. 😦  I also had planned to get my eating back under control but with added calories.  That didn’t happen.  Let’s just say that there were 2-3 PB &J’s involved….

Tuesday 7/7: I ran 5 miles again and then did a leg workout knowing that today (Wed) would be a rest day.  Afterwards, I took some physical rest time to work on the revised eating plan.  Then I was tempted to veg for the day again.  I used one of my personal strategies, and it worked!

Strategy: I give myself a time interval that feels doable and non-intimidating to get work/tasks done, then I give myself permission to have what I want at the end (in this case TV time).  Basically it is a delayed reward strategy.

Yesterday I looked at the clock and it was 1:35, I told myself to work on getting a few more things done until 2:00, then I could have 2 hours of TV time.  I changed the litter box, which led to vacuuming the house, I did some laundry, and it was about 2:00.  I had a project I wanted to get moving on (clearing out a pantry cabinet, remove cabinet to be replaced by a walk-in pantry closet).  So, I used another strategy of mine, and it worked!

Strategy: baby steps.  Take a larger intimidating task and find one small part you can do to begin.  Commit only to that small piece and begin.

So, yesterday my desire was to empty the entire cabinet and tear it out (HUGE task).  I found the “bigness” of it intimidating and had trouble getting myself to start.  So, I told myself, “just take the doors off” then maybe I will stop and have some TV time.  I took the doors off and it was enough to get me going….I was feeling like doing a little more.  So I said, “just clear out the top 2 shelves”.  So I did, but then I kept going and had the next 2 shelves cleared too.  Then…I kind of wanted to see how the tear out might go and decided to grab my tools (hammer and crowbar).   I started tearing it out….and got to where the remaining shelves needed to be cleared in order to keep going.  So I hastily cleared them, ripped out the entire cabinet, grabbed the garbage bin and started throwing the parts away, setting aside parts that could get repurposed.

By 4:00, I was done.  I decided to take a nice dip in the pool to cool off, then park on the couch for some well earned TV time, having accomplished everything I had wanted to accomplish for the day.  TV time is SO much better when it feels earned and when I don’t feel guilty.  It is so nice to sit down with a feeling of accomplishment instead of a feeling of obligation and regret!

I was so busy that I barely ate anything most of the day, when I did eat, it was “on plan”.  I would say I was completely on track for the day until just before bed.  I made a piece of whole grain toast with nut butter and a little jelly (damn those PB &J’s!).  I didn’t want to go to bed hungry and have trouble sleeping.

Today Wed. 7/8:  a planned rest day (more on that in a minute), “rest” being that I do not have an official workout planned.  I do plan to use the time and energy saved to work on projects and keep things moving.  I also plan to use my new eating plan today.  I also wanted to make a big point to get back into the blog.  So far so good.

So, for anyone interested, here’s the “plan”  at least for this week:

*Workouts: fewer of them but longer/more intense when I do.  I realized that I keep “saving energy” during my workouts because I had so many planned that I worry to run out of steam.  It meant that I did many workouts, but always holding back.  I decided I don’t like that.  I also don’t like the 5-6 day stretch with no rest days, by day 2-3 I feel tired and the rest is too far into the future…a recipe for misery.

So, the plan:

Monday:  run 4-5 miles, then do upper body and core.

Tuesday: run 4-5 miles, then do legs.

Wed: Active rest day.

Thurs: repeat Monday

Fri: repeat Tuesday

Sat: Active rest day

Sun: FULL STOP, total physical rest.

**Future plan:  when ready, do a run on Sunday AM, then full stop/rest for the remainder of the day.

Eating:  I raised the calories to 1500, still keeping the carbs lower for the day.

Let’s see how it goes….

Oh, one more thing:  I decided to take a break from hormone therapy, it just felt like my body was seriously out of kilter and I needed to give it a break.  I haven’t taken anything since last Monday.  So far, I feel more like my regular self than I have a for while, since early April?  So, I think I will at least wait out a full “cycle” and see how I feel.

 

 

 

 

End-of-Day Check-in 6/29

How did today go? How did I feel?  Aw, dang. Today was a total bust.  I went through 15 different emotions this morning in a span of 10 minutes, and eventually settled in on “oh, fuck it”.  I seriously derailed today.  Some of it was from feeling disappointed that, despite being back on course yesterday, my 3 pound bump up from the day before didn’t budge.

And then….helllllooooo Aunt FLO! 😦

So, THAT’S why I was feeling like that today!

Today’s workout(s) and activity: ummm, does a Netflix marathon count?

Did I meditate today? Only if staring at a screen for hours counts as meditating.

3 things I am grateful for today: 1)Netflix 🙂  2) Food.  3) Feminine hygiene products.

Hopes for tomorrow: To “slough off” the funk and dive of today and get back on it tomorrow.  Oh, and I might be literally in the woods….so there might a a gap for a few days.

 

 

 

 

End-of-Day Check-in 6/28

How did today go? How did I feel?  Pretty great.  I got back on the eating plan, worked out, and stayed active much of the day.  No crabs or extreme hunger today!  After my rest and cheat day yesterday, my weight came back up by 3 pounds, but I am still down by 6 for the week.

Today’s workout(s) and activity:  ran 5 miles in AM and did some ab work and 65 push-ups.  Then I put together a small garden shed I had ordered and an outdoor storage bench, cleaned the house, did 3 loads of laundry, and took out the garbage.  So, a pretty active day.

Calories: 1150

Did I meditate today? Not really

3 things I am grateful for today: 1) Feeling good and having energy.  2) Still having 7 weeks before I go back to work to get things done and projects finished.  3)  My really great relationship with my sister and her family.  I love my nephews!

Hopes for tomorrow:  To maintain my energy and find the right balance between pushing myself to be active and pushing myself too hard and wearing myself out.  I hope to see the numbers on the scale begin going back down again.  I hope that I won’t spend the day being hungry all day long.

 

 

 

End-of-Day Check-in 6/27

How did today go? Great!  I again woke up the in the middle of the night, hungry and tired.  I waited until 5am before I got up and had coffee.  I sat drinking coffee feeling hungry and intensely crabby, wondering just how I would make it through the day.  I seriously was irritated by the simple act of breathing.

Then, I weighed myself and found I had hit the goal for NEXT Friday, which happened to be the weight at which I would allow a cheat day.  I felt relieved, I really didn’t want to navigate another entire day being hungry and crabby all day.

I enjoyed my cheat day and ate off plan, but I didn’t really binge.  I ate my fill, and then wasn’t hungry (THANK GOD!).  I didn’t have any desire to eat more or to go out of my way to eat “banned” foods (carbs and sugar),

I also decided to rest again.  I really wore myself down in the week and wanted to recharge so that I don’t completely break down.  After all, I am in for the long haul.  The short term results matter, but the long term results are even more important.

So, I ate and I rested.  Wouldn’t you know it….I wasn’t crabby at all! 🙂

3 things I am grateful for today: 1) Allowing myself to rest and eat.  2) My husband and I are getting along well with each other and navigating disagreements without arguing.  3) Feeling less crabby today!

Hopes for tomorrow:  To get right back on track, stick to the planned diet and resume daily workouts.  I would also like to get moving on house projects before it’s time to go back to work again.

 

 

End-of-Day Check-in 6/26

How did today go? Well, it depends on how you look at it.  I decided to take a rest day, so I didn’t do any workouts.  I felt pretty crabby a good bit of the day.  The crabbiness, sleep disturbance and achy back probably mean PMS, but nothing is predictable or set in stone these days, so who the heck knows.  The joys of perimenopause.

I stuck to the eating plan, I planned for 1200 calories and ended up with 1225, so…close enough.  I did drop another 2 pounds, so down by 8, now the real work begins.  I need to prepare myself mentally for the pace of weight loss to slow WAY down, and I need to prepare for my weights to fluctuate up and down a little, especially if this might be PMS.  I don’t want to get discouraged.

I am fully aware and acknowledge that I have serious issues around weight and body image and that this is borderline unhealthy.  Too much of my mental well-being is dependent upon the numbers on the scale.  I get that and accept it.  I accept that this is where I am and this stuff is that important to me.  Healthy or not, right or wrong, good or bad…it doesn’t really matter so much.  This is where I am.  I can deny it, or I can use it.  I can work with it and let it work for me, or I can struggle against it.

Did I meditate today? No.

3 things I am grateful for today: Gratitude is harder to find when I feel this crabby.  1) I am grateful that I don’t feel this crabby ALL the time, because that would seriously suck.  2)  That I don’t have to be in a room full of teenagers right now while I am feeling this crabby.  3)  That even in my crabbiness I can make light of it and find humor in it.

Crab, crab, crab, crab crabbity crab-basket.

Hopes for tomorrow: aw geeze.  At this point I might settle for, “get through the day without killing anyone”.

 

Crab image courtesy of: https://www.dreamstime.com/illustration/angry-crab-cartoon.html

 

 

End-of-Day Check-in 6/25

How did today go? HARD.  I spent so much of the day hungry and crabby.  Then I actually started to feel angry at not being able to eat and irritated about having to workout AGAIN.   It was….interesting.  Even so, I did stick to the meal plan 100%, I did some but not all of the workouts.

I was down 2 more pounds, for a total of -6 since I started on Tuesday.  I still know this is mostly the water weight from my “whole loaf of zucchini bread” day on Monday.  But, I still call it a win AND it serves the purpose I need it to serve…the early success that can help me stay on course when I am so hungry that I am angry. 🙂

8am run: I was just as tired and sloggy as yesterday, so I kept it down to 1 mile.  I was hoping that would help me do better at getting the other workouts done.

15 minute mini-workouts every 3 hours? 11am: yes, sort of.  I did 10 min on the bike, but at only 70% effort.  Then I did a very short, “I don’t feel like doing this” bit of arm work.    2pm: even crabbier and less motivated, did 10 minutes on the rower but it was pretty unenergetic.     5pm: NOPE.  I just couldn’t make myself.

8pm: NOPE.  By this point I was in full rebellion mode.

Calories planned: 1,160, how did it go?  Stuck to it!!  Even though I spent much of the day hungry and mad that I couldn’t eat.  Knowing how well it is going so far and reminding myself of where I’ll end up if I stop…kept me on course.  If I stop now, it could be months before I find the motivation and mojo to try again.

How did I feel today? HANGRY all day, and pretty unmotivated.

Did I meditate today? Um, no.

3 things I am grateful for today: 1) that I stuck to it.  2)  That today (day 3) is known to be one of the hardest when starting a newly restrictive diet – so hopefully it will get easier. 3) That this is working!  I am down 6 pounds.

Hopes for tomorrow:  to be less crabby and tired and hungry.  I think I will stop this insane idea of working out every 3 hours…it’s just too much, at least right now.  So, the new “plan” is 1 (or 2) solid workouts for the day, then I will make a point to get up and be active every 3 hours at least.  You know, get up and do a load of laundry, or trim the hedge, or clean the kitchen, or work on a project…something that requires movement.

I also think I will add an extra 40 calories to the day by adding a second scoop of collagen protein to my morning coffee.  That makes the day 1200 even.

 

End-of-Day Check-in 6/24

How did today go? Today was a day of mixed success.  I felt pretty tired, like downright exhausted for a good bit of the day.  I did not manage to do all the planned workouts, but I did do some of them.  Despite many moments of wanting to eat “off-plan” because I was hungry, I did successfully stick to it.  So, although today wasn’t 100% what I had planned, I did a good job.

I gotta say, I am really starting to think these multiple mini workouts might be really pushing it.  Yes, they will help me be more active all day and keep my metabolism elevated.  But, damn, when you are feeling exhausted and sore at 8 am, it is HARD to get up repeatedly to work out all day, even if it is only for a few minutes.  However, I do like the overall idea.  It will help we do more weight training and I DO like doing it in shorter time segments.  I also like the idea of making sure I am active at regular intervals all day.   I guess I’ll just see how it goes.

8am run: I “ran” 4 miles today.  My legs were feeling pretty tired and a little sore from yesterday.  I had a little-lot of trouble getting going and was tempted to just quit this thing.  But, I got out there anyway and, even though I said 1 mile was good enough, I ran 4.  Well, it was a slow pace and I took a few walk breaks because I was so tired…but I feel great about what I managed to do today.

15 minute mini-workouts every 3 hours?

11am: I did an hour of yardwork instead of the workout.

2pm: Yes, I did 10 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes of yoga.

5pm: NO 😦 I skipped it…I was just too tired.

8pm:  Skipped this too, but more because I was at my parent’s house and didn’t get home until dark.  I go there on Wednesdays and Thursdays to clean my mom up and be sure she is clean and dry and in nightclothes for bed.  She has advanced dementia and my dad, who is almost 80 and not the “caregiver” type, has trouble keeping up with her care.  Me and my sister take turns going over in the evenings to be sure she doesn’t end up going to bed soiled, dirty and in the clothes she wore all day.

Calories planned: 1,160, how did it go?  Great. Many moments of, “oh fuck it, I’m hungry!”  But I did manage to stick to the plan today anyway. 🙂  I am saving my after-dinner grapefruit (from my very prolific tree of ruby reds), for right before bed.  Last night my tummy was grumbly at bedtime and a hungry belly makes it hard to fall asleep.  I am hoping to eat my grapefruit closer to bedtime to see if it help me be less hungry when it’s time to sleep.

How did I feel today? In the morning a little tired, sore and a wee bit grumpy.  Then, downright exhausted all day until the evening.  But…it IS working.  I am down 4 pounds from yesterday (even though I know the gain and the loss was water/carb weight, I still call that a win!)

Did I meditate today? YES 🙂 after the 2pm workout and yoga, I did a 20 minute meditation.

3 things I am grateful for today: 1. kitty-cat love, my cat came to snuggle this morning like she does most mornings while I am drinking my coffee.  She was extra sweet and cuddly today.  2. COFFEE, I sure do love coffee.  I think I could go without food easier than I could go without coffee.  Seriously, I am really, really grateful for my “coffee time” in the mornings.  3. Food that someone else made and even did the nutrition data on.  I picked up a few select things at costco today to have on hand in case I don’t feel like making my dinner meals.  I do sometimes get a little tired of writing the recipe, doing the math, measuring out ingredients, etc.  Sometimes it is nice to say…let’s just take this out and pop it in the microwave. 4. My prolific grapefruit tree which makes loads of very delicious grapefruits that I can just walk out and pick.

Hopes for tomorrow: I hope I will feel less tired tomorrow than I did today.  I hope that being active will be easier than it was today.  I hope I continue to resist my hunger and urges for food.  I hope I will continue to see really good numbers on the scale so that I can keep up the motivation.

For anyone who happens to be interested, here’s what I am eating each day:

Morning: several cups (like most of a pot) of half-caff coffee with 1/2 cup (total) of organic half-n-half, one cup of said coffee has a scoop of collagen protein added.  I also take a liquid fish oil supplement (Viva naturals), 5-HTP, D3, Magnesium, and a B-complex along with sub-lingual B-12.  200 Cal.

After run: my “green drink” : 16 oz water with a tru-lemon packet for flavor, splash of coconut water, a scoop of Maca powder, a scoop of kelp powder, a scoop of greens powder, and a packet of powdered probiotic.  Most of these items are organic. 50 Cal.

Lunch:  1 serving of my “eggs and veggies” recipe*, 1 sliced red pepper and a lemon cucumber(from my garden) with 2T of dip (usually homemade but right now I am using the Chipotle flavored “Bitchin Sauce” I got at Costco.  360 cal (210 for the eggs, 150 for the veg and dip).  With lunch I take a bariatric-friendly high potency multivitamin chew and digestive enzymes.

*Eggs and Veggies (ALL Organic): 2T butter, 1 pound fresh spinach, 2 pounds fresh asparagus, 2 onions, 10 eggs.  I saute the veggies in the butter until cooked, then scramble in the eggs.  Easy.  This makes 7 servings of about 2C each for 210 calories.

PM “snack”:  again all organic, 3/4 C cottage cheese, 1/2 c blueberries, 1T ground flax meal, 2 packets truvia.  200 cal.  I take a bariatric-friendly calcium chew.

Dinner: 1 serving of one of my dinner recipes OR something premade 🙂 , 1 grapefruit (other low-sugar fruit also ok as an exchange)  250 for the dinner serving, 100 for the grapefruit.  I take a chew-able Iron tablet with 1000 mg. of Vitamin C every other night (I just can’t do every night…it messes with my digestive system if I take it every day)

This week’s dinner:  Turmeric Chicken and vegetables (2 cup serving but I usually only have 1.5 cups) with 1/3 c of cooked brown rice.  About 600 g of chicken breast cut into chunks, 2 T avocado oil, 1 onion, 1 bell pepper, 1 jalapeno pepper (all diced), 4C chopped zucchini, 1 head cauliflower (chopped), 8 oz chopped carrots., 1 can diced tomatoes.   I saute the veggies in the oil with 2 tsp Turmeric, 1 tsp cumin, 1 tsp paprika, add the chicken and tomatoes and then let it cook on low until done.  This makes 8, 2C servings.

So, I’m close to keto most of the day except for a little extra carb at dinner and the fact that I am not eating “high fat”.  I do find a little complex carb with dinner curbs my hunger.  If I have a keto dinner, I am insatiably hungry afterwards.  Like, my tummy can be so full it hurts, but I am still “hungry” in my body.  If I have just a little carb with dinner…fully satiated and I can eat half as much to get that satiety.

I’m thinking I will stick to this for 2 weeks as a jump start, then add another 200 calories to the day (for a new total of 1400).  Maintaining just 1200 cal with this much exercise for a long time would be stupid.  Also, I definitely need to check how much fat I am getting and make sure I am getting enough…I remember what happened last time!

 

A New Hope

My first title was “Here We Go Again”  but I decided that was not the tone I want to set for myself.  If I keep telling myself how shitty I am…I won’t get anywhere good.  So, “A New Hope” helps me look forward in a positive way instead of looking back with disgust.

Recent History:

So, I’ve been trying to get back on a good track with myself and my health and my weight.  It’s been a road in the rolling hills, up a bit, down a bit, up a bit down a bit.  But my weight, well that’s been on a pretty steady climb lately.  Back in Mid-March I had an emotional crisis at home less than a week before schools shut down for Covid-19.  I also got very sick with what everyone suspects was Covid-19, but I was never tested.

My workouts stalled.  Even after I thought I had recovered from being sick, I couldn’t breathe!  I was huffing and puffing and even started blacking out when I attempted to go running (at half speed and half distance).

At the time, I was on a “Mostly Keto” regimen (Keto for 6 days a week, one day of freedom).  My weight was going down, I used the extra time at home to dive into projects and work on personal development, I even began writing a book.   Things were going pretty damn great (except for my trouble with workouts)….until early/mid April.   It happened gradually, but I sank into what ended up a pretty bad depression episode.  Despite maintaining Keto, I bounced up 8 pounds in a span of 2-3 days.   I told myself it was “period weight” and kept my spirits up…but then the weight just stayed and full depression set in.  My deck project was finished and my Greece trip was canceled, I gave up on Keto and my weight kept climbing, and then I completely tanked.  Like, having trouble getting out of bed, life is pointless, why don’t I just grab that hammer right there and bash in my own skull kind of bad.  Yes, that bad.

Well, it turns out that the hormone therapy that I had started in January was not quite dialed in, and a hormone imbalance had been the primary culprit for all that.  The big bounce in weight was some serious bloating brought on by the wrong kind of and too much progestin.  The depression was also being largely caused by the same problem.

Once that got figured out and adjusted in Mid-May, things got better slowly.  My mood and outlook got better, I looked and felt less like the Michelin Man, and I started trying to get my weight under control and workouts on board.

Since then, it has been a mixed bag of small successes and what feels like colossal failures.

Last week I managed to get motivated enough to hit 6 days of workouts followed by a rest day.  Some workouts were more than others, some more energetic and intense, and some were painful and tired slogs, but I hit all 6  and that was the goal. YAY!

Since rest day was me hosting a big family BBQ for Father’s day, there wasn’t much rest.  So, I decided to do a full day of being a total slug yesterday.  Unfortunately, I also decided to eat myself silly.  This included eating an entire loaf of homemade zucchini bread, a big bowl of popcorn, a trip to McDonalds, 2 baked potatoes with everything, and probably some more that I don’t even remember.  My activity was mostly laying around binging on food and Netflix.

Today, my weight bounced up by almost 10 pounds, I weigh more than I have in over 15 years.  I knew it would be bad, but not nearly as bad as it was.  I know much of it is probably carb+water weight.  It doesn’t matter, the scale said what it said and numbers don’t lie.  It brought me to tears of anguish, disappointment, and discouragement.

I don’t want to go back to work in August feeling embarrassed, I don’t want to feel ashamed of how much weight I gained.  I want the opposite.  I want to return to work feeling good, feeling proud, and even liking how I look.  So…here I go.

My plan:  USE all this TIME I have on my hands, and some real calorie control.

I know what I will do to transition at the end when my weight is closer to where I want to be, but I need to get real serious right now and see some fast results.  I need to feel some success and accomplishment very quickly, so that it can motivate me forward and help me feel less hopeless and pathetic.

Daily calories: 1200 or less, mostly very low-carb. Officially, my daily eating plan is 1,110 calories.

Workouts:  Every 2 hours from 8am to 8pm, Monday – Friday.  Yep, I got time, I’m going to use it and keep that metabolism revved up all day.   Then Saturday is a run in morning, and Sunday is FULL STOP AND REST day.

8am: run for whatever distance I can do (with a 1 mile minimum).  Feeling shitty and sore = 1 mile, feeling ok = 2.5 miles, feeling good = 4 or more miles.

Then at 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm I will do a quick 10 minute workout, 5 Minutes of high intensity interval cardio followed by 5 minutes of weight training.

8pm: run or ride, as in go for a run or for a bike ride.  It’s a great time of night to get out.  OR, another 10 minute mini if I really don’t feel like going out.

My meals are planned and scheduled.  I will eat what I plan to eat, when it is time to eat it.  If I am hungry and it isn’t time yet, I will suck it up.  If it is time to eat and I am not hungry, I will eat it anyway to prevent “over-hungry” later.  Meals are designed to be high protein, medium fat, low carb, heavy in veggies.

I know this is probably a bit extreme, but “moderate” just doesn’t seem to work for me.

I also plan to blog on this, mostly because it helps me stay connected to the goals and because I intend to be brutally honest here.  Whether it is success or failure, it’s going to be public.  Hopefully, that will add just once more ounce of motivation for good choices and discourage bad choices.

I hope I don’t let myself down.  I need to do this.

Woop, time for my 2pm mini!