This is me, NOT giving up.
I am Strength
I am Power
I am Resilience
I am all of these things even
in moments when I feel weak
in moments when I feel powerless
in moments when I feel broken
How I feel is a valid but passing thing
it can’t touch the truth of who I truly am
Because even
when I feel weak, I am Strength
Because even
when I feel powerless, I am power
Because even
when I feel broken, I am Resilience
Because always, I am me.
Last week I wrote about my struggles with hormones and depression and weight. I am noticing how much better I feel during certain times of my cycle – fairly predictably. Right now is the “halleluiah” time period where I feel practically normal (just after my period begins and for the next week or two if I am lucky…)
I set some goals last week when I was feeling pretty bad, to try and get through the harder moments and mitigate the damages. I can happily report that it is going well.
Goal 1 was to do a formal workout of any length OR a strenuous physical activity every day. Except for yesterday – I have met that goal every day. Some days were formal workouts that included short (1 mile) runs and/or weight training. Other days were serious yardwork or a long family walk. Yesterday was the “I got hit by a truck” first day of my period…so I basically crashed and rested yesterday and I say that is totally fine. Work within your reality. But today I felt FABULOUS! And I ran 3.5 miles.
Goal 2: taking my supplements and vitamins to help with overall and mental health – mostly there. I have been more consistent this past week than I have been lately – so that’s a partial win.
Goal 3: eat like healthy me (eat the way I did when I was a kick-ass, less than 10% body fat, fitness freak) or at least try to. Again – doing much better than before but not quite hitting the mark yet. Speaking of…I’ve updated my daily meal plan to help myself in this goal. The calorie counts are reasonable and I am again focusing on protein and good fats.
This plan reflects me, my goals and what I know about myself. Things like: I need more protein and feel better on a high protein diet, even some “good carbs” cause a hunger cycle that makes me miserable and hijacks my goals- but fruits are generally fine, I hate to eat solid foods in the AM and eating food too early makes me hungrier all day, I always get really hungry right around 10:00 am, and I’m TOTALLY burnt out on constant cooking and meal prep – so everything but dinner needs to be low-prep and easy. I am also more than tired of strict calorie counting and measuring and being limited in choices at dinner…so the dinner part of the plan is very generic. I also don’t tend to eat a ton at dinner and it’s better if I don’t. Somehow if I eat lightly at dinner, I am satiated. If I eat a ton at dinner I am stuffed but hungry all evening. I know, weird but true.
The most important thing – I need some structure but not too much.
Here’s what it looks like for anyone curious:
| Time? | Description | Cal | P / F / C ? |
| AM | Coffee, dairy free half/half (1/2 Cup), whey protein | 120 +120 | 0 / 12 / 5 24 / 1.5 / 3 |
| AM | Fish oil, vitamins, green drink | 50 | |
| 9/10:00 | ⅓ C Nuts (almonds+walnuts) | 250 | 8 / 22 / 8 |
| Cottage cheese(½ container or 1 C) + blueberries (½ C) + flax 1T | 180+35+38 = 253 | 30 / 8 / 19 | |
| 12/1:00 | 2 Boiled Eggs | 140 | 12 / 8 / 0 |
| 1 Fruit | 100 | 0 / 0 / 25 | |
| Turkey-n-Cheese Roll (x2) 100 cal ea. 1 slice organic sliced turkey + 1 slice of cheese | 200 | 22 / 12 / 0 | |
| 6:00 | Dinner: 2 veg + 1 Protein + *1whole grain/starch *optional | 4-500 | 20 / 10 / 30 |
| 16-1700 | 116 / 80 / 85 |
I feel very good about this plan except that it is too light in veggies and a bit high in overall intake. But, Let me stay here for now – this is definitely do-able for me and works with where I am right now. Later, when I am feeling “on my game” I can begin making adjustments.
In the back of my mind….how long can I make this last? How will it go when I hit a rough patch?
All I can do is keep trying. Optimize when I am feeling good, try to mitigate the damage when I am feeling bad, and just keep working at it no matter how I am feeling.
I have long grappled with the difference between acceptance and resignation. I used to have this idea that I could not allow myself to “accept” the things about myself I saw as unfavorable or less than what I desire them to be because I thought acceptance of my current reality would mean I am not motivated to change it.
In some ways, there is truth in that idea but it is a dangerous and unhealthy way to exist. I used to hold on to a deep rejection and dissatisfaction with “now” to motivate myself for something better later. Looking back, it was even more pervasive than I realized. I pushed myself constantly, rejecting any result that wasn’t perfect. I lived with relentless determination towards perfection as I defined it. I have learned that this type of drive towards perfection is very common for survivors of childhood trauma…duh.
If you grew up trying to be perfect in order to avoid abuse and then learned that no amount of perfect is perfect enough, then it leads to a very unhealthy relationship with yourself and your current reality. It results in a tendency to never accept yourself as you are and to perpetually find yourself “not good enough yet”
EXHAUSTING!
This behavior as adult caught up with me and I crashed down. I developed some severe symptoms, and eventually I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I am working on acceptance that isn’t resignation. I still haven’t quite figured out how to accept myself as I am now and still be motivated to get better, because my motivation has always come from a rejection of how it is now. Doesn’t really making the effort to lose weight or be healthier have to entail being dissatisfied with your current weight and state of health? I feel like a dog chasing it’s tail.
So what current realities do I need to accept?
*I am deep into perimenopause and the hormone swings are making consistency with anything VERY challenging. My emotional state is unpredictable and I tend towards depression at least half of the time. Depression makes it very difficult to be motivated to eat healthy and work out.
*I have very little ability to control this cycle right now.
*I have gained a significant amount of weight and I see how it is now enough to interfere with my strength, mobility, agility, and stamina. Hormone changes also affect these things, my body feels significantly different at different times of the month.
*My body is changing in ways that make my old workout routines more challenging. I have joint and soft tissue pain that makes running more painful. The increased anxiety is also a factor when I think about going running.
*I am not as healthy now as I was a year or two ago, and this is because of the changes in my behavior.
*Right now, my biggest obstacles are the lack of motivation and consistency that are needed to get the results that I want.
So what now? How do I respond to this reality?
My first reaction right now is to say “I don’t know” and cry. Then, here’s the rest of the internal dialogue:
“Don’t give up! Get up and fight for it!”
Then, “oh, even if you fight today, you know it won’t last long, so just don’t bother.”
“You can’t give up, that is accepting defeat, keep trying at least. Some days you will win and some days you won’t…but you have to try!”
“But if consistency is how you win this, then you are not going to win it if you can’t be consistent.”
and on, and on it goes….where this will stop nobody knows 😦
I also recognize that I am in my “stage 1” of depression which is fueling the negative side of the above internal conversation.
Cleary, I don’t have this figured out yet. But, I am determined to keep trying.
Let me try again…
So what now? How do I respond to this reality?
Scale back and look for a few small things I can be consistent with that move me in the right direction.
Make small goals that I can stick to, so that I can feel successful and move forward at the same time. Stop telling myself that this is “lowered expectations” or “selling out” because this isn’t helpful and will make giving up more likely.
Be patient, it might WILL take a while to get where I want. It will be slow. Right now…make slow and steady the goal. Right now…it is simply better to take 1 step forward than to keep taking 20 steps backwards.
What goals would fit with this? Keep it simple, keep it small, keep it “easy” and no more than 2-3 goals. Think- what can I follow through with, even on my bad days? That’s the kicker – the bad days are so very hard to navigate successfully.
But, I need to build up some “success” and some “success” will help me stay motivated. If I can get on a roll, it is easier to keep it going even when I have a bad day, as long as the goals are small and achievable.
Goal 1: EVERY DAY do either a formal workout of any length OR a strenuous physical activity (like yardwork or hiking)
Goal 2: Take the fish oil, St. Johns and my “green drink with Turmeric” every day to help with mental and overall health.
Goal 3: When making food choices ask myself if am I actually hungry right now and WWHME?? (what would healthy me eat?) Make choices that align with healthy me and shoot for generally less intake. Healthy me also doesn’t binge or engage in emotional eating.
Damn, I’m not there yet. Even this feels overwhelming right now (depression level 1). Maybe I should consider medication. Maybe I should just see how I feel tomorrow, or even just an hour from now, or even in just 5 minutes…thanks to hormones, you just never know. I am so sick to death of this.
Seriously – this is what I am talking about! How will I be consistent if I am so all over the place??
Update: I kinda crashed yesterday after I wrote that, but I did much better today so far. I ran a mile this morning and did goal 2, hoping that some quick and early success would set me up for a positive day. So far, so good. I took the dune buggy for a joy ride this afternoon and felt wonderful. Today has been a good day.
So that last post was a definite low spot for me, but I am very happy about it. Why? Because it wasn’t nearly as low as low goes for me, and it only lasted a day. It was clearly tied to these damn hormones. I am sincerely hoping that when this stage (perimenopause) is done, things can settle down and feel less unpredictable.
I have wanted to write about this for a while…what depressed vs. not depressed feels like for me. But it isn’t so clear as that because, for me, depression has levels and stages. I am hoping by sharing these insights from a life of trauma-based depression, someone out there can benefit.
Let me start with what it feels like when I am not depressed:
*Sunrises and sunsets (and birds and music and nature) make me feel joyful and grateful, I make a point to pause and watch and I feel full of happiness and awe.
*Tasks, chores, work, obligations, and life in general feels easy. Not much feels hard and difficult and, when something does feel challenging, I feel capable of rising to the challenge.
*Sometimes I even enjoy challenges and seek them out, because conquering them makes me feel good.
*Motivation comes easy, I follow through on workouts without much of an internal fight, I feel naturally motivated to do things and feel good about getting things done.
*Workouts feel good and I feel great afterwards. I often feel motivated to push myself and enjoy it.
*I don’t feel like I NEED food for comfort, food is good and I enjoy eating healthy foods. I make good choices.
*I don’t like where I am with my weight, but I feel strong and able to do something about it.
*Life feels full of hope and promise.
Stage 1 of depression:
*I have to push myself towards things I need to do, motivation is less natural and more forced.
*I work out less often and each time it is a battle I fight with myself. When I do workout, it feels so much harder than usual and I don’t get the high out of it anymore. It just feels like a chore.
*I start wanting food for comfort, sometimes with a sense of rebellion…the “oh fuck it” feeling moves in.
*I feel bad about not being as on top of things, I feel bad about my eating and weight. Feelings of hopelessness move in.
*Work and other things I need to do make me a little angry because I don’t want to do them. I feel like a toddler with a bad case of “I don’t wanna”.
Stage 2 of depression:
*Sunrises and sunsets make me upset because I can’t feel any sense of joy. The “can’t feel the joy” sensation makes me feel despair and deep sadness.
*I am fully eating for comfort and alternating between guilt and anger over food.
*Workout battles wage on most days, but I fail every day now. I basically stop working out and feel like shit about it.
*I feel hopeless about my weight and full despair. Thinking about it makes me run to the kitchen for comfort and eating makes me feel both guilt and comfort, and I hate myself.
*EVERYTHING feels HARD. Basic tasks feel HUGE, nothing is easy. I have to work to motivate myself to do basic things.
*Every day I feel like an ant pushing a boulder up a hill in deep sand.
*Every scrap of motivation I can find, I have to work for, using all my strategies and coping skills just to function.
*I start to want to do nothing and seek out dark spaces. I want to crawl in bed and watch TV.
*I catch those “thoughts” popping in occasionally. You know the ones I mean.
Stage 3:
*Full stop. Getting out of bed or off the couch is HARD.
*I tend to stare out into space and feel nothing but an utter and complete sense of despair.
*I am not able to function because everything feels so completely hopeless and pointless. Why bother?
*Those “thoughts” become more frequent and intrusive.
Now – stage 3 signals – GET HELP! And I no longer proceed to stage 4. I haven’t experienced stage 3 since last May.
I am feeling pretty down today. I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to put words on how I’m feeling but I end up spacing out with tears welling up. I feel so discouraged. I keep trying to pull myself up and sometimes I manage to eek out some motivation, sometimes I can get a roll going and think “here it is! Here I go!”. And then it just piddles out, I lose my motivation again, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly. I keep trying, but the results are different. My attempts to motivate myself become more and more unsuccessful, which makes me feel shitty about myself, which leads to even less motivation, less follow-through, more feeling crappy…you see where this is going.
My hormones have gone so whacka-doodle with perimenopause that I feel simply powerless against it at times. All the things I know I can do to help stabilize myself take some self-control and effort, which eludes me a great deal of the time these days.
If I dwell here on this too long I get get that awful feeling of hopelessness creeping up, and then self-destructive thoughts pop out at me. I know how to respond to them, nothing to worry about, but it’s just another sign that I am deeply struggling.
I just wish this shit would go away and leave me alone. I wish I could just “do it” and work out, I wish the motivation would stay with me, I wish I had more control over this. Ok, now the tears are rolling and I feel a little heartbroken.
It doesn’t help that I have been hit with another attack of vertigo for the past 2 days. Moving the wrong way or too quickly sends the world a-spinning. But, I’ll be honest…it isn’t why I haven’t worked out the past 2 days…I can’t find the motivation. I have still been working out…but less and less. Fewer and fewer times each week.
I don’t want to give up, but I am tired of trying. Tired of failing, tired of fighting with myself trying to get myself up. All this trying is exhausting.
My mom’s funeral last Thursday was what my mom would have wanted. The preacher spoke about God, we sang traditional hymns that she loved, and my sister gave a beautiful eulogy. I spoke at the end of the service, I was the only person who did get up and speak when everyone was given the opportunity. It surprised me, but I do not judge anyone for how they grieve or how they decide to honor my mom’s life.
I feel somehow guilty for being glad the service is behind us instead of lingering in front of us. I’m glad we have the space to move forward even as we still think about her. I find myself thinking about her, my childhood, her death, her illness, her service, my dad, and my siblings every single day, multiple times a day. But, most of the time I am moving about life and actually feeling pretty good. Part of me feels some self-judgement there, like it is not supposed to be so easy to move on and feel normal. Most of me knows that isn’t fair and that I have definitely mourned. I spent a week helping go through all her things and make decision about how best to honor her in the process. Most of her clothing went to resource centers that directly help people in need. I like that better than places like Goodwill, where they sell the items to people. I wanted her things to go to someone who needs it, free of charge. We donated her craft supplies to daycares and the senior center, we donated other items to Opportunity House. Yes, they do sell many of their donated items in their thrift store – but it goes to directly benefit the homeless shelter they run. They also give items to families when it works out that way. So, all in all, we did it right.
How are the 5 goals doing? Well, the week 2 workouts were going strong and I had planned to continue on Thursday morning before the service. It just didn’t work out that way, I was hosting the post-service reception at my house and I wanted to make everything extra nice to honor my mom. I spent the morning getting things ready and taking joy from making it nice for her.
I still planned to work out on Friday…and then I didn’t. But today I was back on track for week 3. It is part of how I planned it…to begin the workout week on Mondays and take weekends off. Mondays always feel like a new beginning to me, a new opportunity to have a great week…so no matter how last week went, Monday is a fresh start.
Today was awesome. I ran 4 miles this morning, outside in the early dawn…with birds singing, and the spring trees blooming, and the dew on the grass sparkling in the early morning sunlight. Seriously, it was that good. 🙂 The rest of the workout didn’t happen today due to time. I still run slowly, so the 4 miles took about 45 (ok more like 50) minutes and then I had to get moving on getting ready for classes. I hadn’t prepped as much a normal over the weekend (more Van therapy!) and I needed to get things set up for today’s classes…then I had my vaccine scheduled for right after school, then it was grocery shopping on the way home, then…life. As a result, the 10 minutes of weight training and 10 minutes of yoga/stretching didn’t happen today, but they will happen tomorrow.
As for the other goals…works in progress. I am eating more veggies and drinking more water, but I haven’t done a very good job of keeping track lately. So, I will make that a priority this week. I have not lost (or gained) any weight…but I have been on my period for a week and that always makes the scale go wacko…numbers just can’t be trusted the week before, during, and sometimes after my period. Yes, that is 3 out of 4 weeks in the month. But, that’s how it has been since perimenopause began. The bloating is ridiculous. I puff up so bad sometimes that my hands swell up and actually bother me. So, I need to wait until next week to see what’s what with the scale. The fact that I didn’t go up this week is a good sign. This isn’t supposed to be about losing weight anyway, it is supposed to be about feeling better physically and mentally. So far, that is actually happening. I guess that means the scale can suck it!
Yesterday was a struggle. Today is going ok so far, but you never know what the next moment will bring with these damn hormones, thanks perimenopause 😦 This struggle I am having with depression is no joke! I have had recent major battles and many minor skirmishes in this war of mine. Some days I win, some days I lose, some days it’s a draw…and sometimes it is a month of total despair. Yesterday…I guess it was a win, but it was a close call.
Yesterday I barely did a workout and, if you read yesterday’s post, I was pretty pissed off about doing it. I am so glad I did! I feel better today and knowing I have my “week 2” off to a good start makes me feel so happy. I am glad I didn’t blow it yesterday. The rest of my goals yesterday were totally out the window, but the workout is the one I really want to maintain. It used to be a daily habit…then I got covid…then I got severely depressed…then post-covid syndrome…then severe iron deficiency anemia…Jesus…I have been through A LOT in the last year. Add on my mom’s illness and recent death and you have one HELL of a reason to struggle with some depression. Maybe I should take a minute to give myself a wee bit of compassion.
So today, I only needed a little push to get my workout going…and I even managed to get past all my internal obstacles to running outside. It used to be my primary workout…but a few dog attacks, general feelings of not being safe, some post-traumatic flashbacks of my multitude of ankle breaks and sprains, and the recent bout of awful “is this a heart attack?” chest pains while running (thanks to the severe anemia and iron deficiency)…have created some internal anxiety barriers that spring up when it comes to going out for a run. I generally hate treadmill running, but if outside is feeling “blocked” for me due to anxiety, then the treadmill is my friend. Lately I run on the treadmill inside most of the time with occasional moments of feeling up to going outside.
Today was an outside day! This morning was a cool and breezy, spring-like morning and I felt up to it. It felt so great to break into a jog down the driveway and pop in my earbuds, it was feeling wonderful. Then I came around the corner at the end of the block and saw a dog that had gotten out. He was directly in my running path and I have had enough encounters with loose dogs to know I should avoid them if I don’t want an unpleasant confrontation. I slowly backed away and headed back home. I considered trying the other direction, but that one has a notorious house with dog issues and I’ve had multiple incidents with their dogs…so I never go that way anymore.
I felt so discouraged as I walked back up my driveway. I had finally gotten outside, I was so happy, it was going to be so nice….and the dog ruined it for me. I was tempted to just go inside and sulk. But I opened up the windows in my workout room and got on the treadmill.
Today was definitely a WIN. I had a great workout; I went over the minimums in all categories and even spent 5 minutes meditating at the end. Dog be damned!
Goal 5 is done….let me try and shoot for the other 4 today.
Last week was a blend of success and “working on it”. While I do want to push myself to be the best I can be each day, I am also trying to balance that with some self compassion for all that I am working through. My mom’s memorial service is this Thursday and it weighs on me. I am trying to take care of most of the details because my dad is having such a hard time. I did get some good “van therapy” in this weekend 🙂 The bed assembly is basically done, the fridge is set in place and the support structure there is done…the rest of the framing on that side is in progress. The main activity this weekend was getting the design and framing done for the rooftop solar array. It took much longer than expected (of course!) but we made excellent progress. I think the panels will get mounted to the roof this weekend, then my husband gets going on the wiring while I continue working on the interior framing…I will post some pictures if people are interested.
I took the planned weekend break from workouts – and plan to get my workout in today as planned. The eating goals are a work in progress – trying to cut back on carbs and increase veggies with mixed success. I just ate a stupid chocolate…so I guess “no sugar” is blown for today. 😦
I need to re-commit myself to drinking more water…it kind of fell off my radar over the weekend.
Let’s see how this week goes…I am dreading my mom’s service on Thursday but also looking forward to getting it behind us.
Later same day: I procrastinated my workout as much as possible…even to the point of realizing I would probably not follow through. But, I also knew that skipping Monday would set me up to derail completely this week. And lately I have managed to get 1 week on my workouts only to crash and burn for 2-3 weeks, then 1 week on, rinse and repeat. So, I REALLY wanted to get successful week 2 of workouts – and that all hinges on the Monday workout. I knew I had to get it done…for my own good.
So, like a cranky toddler I did the “but I don’t wanna!” walk to my treadmill. I think I actually stomped my feet. I stood there on the mill, feeling pissed off to be there. I actually rolled my eyes as hard as I could as I started it up. I hoped that a few minutes of warming up would work its magic and I would get “into it”. Nope. I repeatedly rolled my eyes and sighed like a snotty teenage girl and spent most of my “cardio” time walking instead of running. The absolute second it hit 10:00, I pulled the plug and got off the treadmill, flipping it the bird for good measure on my way out.
I did my 10 minutes of weights which felt like 30, the 10 minutes of yoga afterwards was more just stretching and lying there waiting out the clock.
Eh, I did it though. I set myself up for a week 2 success because at least I didn’t blow it on day 1. I can feel good about that, even if I half-assed today, even if today’s best was pretty lame…at least it effing happened.
Day 1, Monday 2/15: Despite feeling pretty motivated this morning, I didn’t quite meet the goals. But, I guess if I had hit every target on day 1…there wouldn’t be anything to aspire to on day 2. Goal 1: 5 servings of veggies – partially met. I got 3 solid servings today, sadly this is actually an improvement to what I have been eating lately. Goal 2 and 3: Avoid sugar and limit carbs – total fail today. Let’s just say waffles and whipped cream were involved. Goal 4: 40 oz. of water. YES! This one I met and exceeded. I got myself to drink water mid-morning…by afternoon I was consumed with thirst. This has happened to me before – I think my body shuts down my thirst when I habitually don’t drink enough. Then I drink more and I am suddenly ravenously thirsty. Today I drank 72 oz. and I am about to drink 18 more. I wonder how it will affect my problems with bloating. Goal 5: workout – YES! I did all of my minimums and I think I will force myself to keep to the minimum this week. What? You might think that’s lame and I should always try for more…but that’s where I go wrong. Each day I do more and more, and then a little more. Pretty soon, I feel like I have failed if I don’t do MORE than yesterday…then it becomes intimidating and then I find ways to procrastinate and make excuses not to work out. So, new strategy. Force myself to do the minimum this week. Raise the minimum next week by just a little…force myself to stick to it. Then…once I have a solid habit going and I am back to working out as my lifestyle…then I can let myself push. For now, the goal is to DO it, not to max out.
Day 2, Tuesday 2/16: Damn, it didn’t go too well today. Let me start with the good. I did meet goal 5 today – the workout. Despite what I said yesterday, I increased the cardio time so that I could finish a full mile (sadly, I can no longer run a 10 minute mile). Then I did the 10 minutes of weight training, and 10 minutes of yoga/stretching. Goal 1: is a “sort of” I got in 3 servings of veg, not the 5 I would like to get to. Goal 4: 40 oz. water…almost. I am at about 30 I think, maybe I can get up to 40 before bed. Goals 2-3: epic fail. This time it was brownies at my dad’s house after dinner…and some PB&J’s this afternoon.
But it isn’t just that…I feel yucky today (mentally). I was good this morning, then I went from “meh” to “whatever” to “who gives a shit” (that’s about the time I decided to have a couple of PB&J sandwiches). So…. 😦 I will try again tomorrow. I know that if I am all in and fully committed, I can and have done this. I am just having trouble finding that something extra that takes me from wanting to doing. I did manage to get myself to follow through on my intent to blog consistently…which is something. It is easy to tell everyone out there when I feel successful and powerful. It is so much harder to show that, right now, not so much.
Day 3, Wednesday 2/17: Today was good. I think I actually hit all my goals. I could feel it when I got up…I had actually slept in and slept really well (no weird dreams about my mom being dead + dogs that didn’t need to pee 20 times in the night = Karen actually got good sleep!). When I woke up I felt good, I felt determined and in a positive head-space. I could “feel it”, today would be the day I did it. And I did. Goal 1: yes, 5 servings of veg today. Goal 2: avoid added sugar – yes, 100%. No brownies, no waffles, no whipped cream today. Goal 3: limit carbs – I had only 1 serving today (a half cup of brown rice with my chicken and vegetables at dinner). Goal 4: 40 oz water – I had 46 and will probably have a little more. Goal 5: workout – yes. I missed 7am due to sleeping in, but I did do it later after online teaching was done. Because the weather was nice and it was later, I ran outside and did about 2.5 miles (way more than the minimum of 10 minutes), then I still did 10 minutes of targeted muscle training (which included 50 pushups) and the 10 minutes of yoga/stretching. I realize how much my body has missed the movement of yoga – my low back is already worlds better! (The knee not so much) So…today was great. It ended with some pretty awful family drama – my ex-sister-in-law calling and yelling at me about my mom’s funeral. Seriously, what was she thinking??? Anyway…I am glad it happened at the end of my day when I felt so successful. Had it happened earlier – it might have driven me to emotionally eat some more waffles or PB&J’s.
Day 4, Thursday 2/18: I eagerly await another day to try…and hopefully succeed again!
It has been hard lately. In the past few months: I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight, my standard eating pattern has degraded, my workouts have basically stopped, my back hurts, my knee hurts, and I move like I’m 90. By substantial I don’t mean the 10-15 pounds I used to think were such a big deal…I am now 45 pounds above where I would like to be, which is 10 pounds more than what used to be my goal.
What do I mean by hard? It is a combination of things – there’s the stuff everyone is dealing with (a pandemic, social isolation, daily limitations based upon quarantine, political chaos, etc.), but I also get to add personal and family challenges on top of that shit sundae. First, my mom died a couple of weeks ago after years of mental decline due to dementia. There’s a lot to say here about it, but I will save us from that…and just say that the constant stress of her illness has been hard to bear for me and for everyone in my family. The past year has been especially awful as my dad refused to place her in a care facility and we tried to manage her care ourselves. Now, we have the awful grief and guilt-ridden relief that comes with her passing. For me, there was all of that and more because it brought up lots of old issues from my childhood abuse, things that I thought I had worked through. I really thought I had that box: “Deal with Childhood Trauma” all checked off. Nope. Box. Not. Checked.
I am also deep into perimenopause, which is it’s own brand of hell. Like many women, I spent my life dreading this because we all grew up with other women telling us about how terrible it will be. Somehow it isn’t as bad as I thought and yet it is somehow worse than I expected at the same time. I had no idea how much my whole body would change (hello aches and pains and stiff joints, and sleep disturbance…) and my battle with depression became a full-blown war instead of small skirmishes.
So, I have been feeling less unmotivated lately, more and more bothered by my weight gain, and more dissatisfied with my current state…but still not really ready to deal with it, not ready to really do something about it. I recently got workouts back up for 8 days…and somehow messed up my knee. The workouts stopped, the knee injury stayed.
Yesterday was the proverbial “final straw”. I was working on my van build (building my own custom camper van), and between the knee injury and my achy back and my weaker muscles…I struggled with basic movement. Getting down on or up off the floor was an ordeal. Trying to deal with a knee that hurts to bend, then hurts to straighten, then can’t actually support my weight, along with an achy stiff back and my other leg being less strong and not able to compensate for the bad knee…I found myself moving like someone twice my age and it pissed me off!
Funny thing, I finally feel so yucky physically that I am more concerned with feeling better and being stronger than with how much I weigh (but let’s be honest – that is still important to me too). I wrote in my journal today and realized that I finally feel ready to try.
I made a list of reasons (why I feel yucky) and solutions. Reasons: not enough veggies, too many carbs, not enough water, diet soda, muscle atrophy, I don’t move enough, not enough cardio, hormone irregularity, general inflammation.
Solutions: eat more veggies, eat less carbs, avoid diet soda, drink more water, workout regularly (cardio + muscle building + movement/stretching), avoid sugar, take my supplements.
I turned the solutions into goals:
I realize that blogging about my experience with this helps keep me motivated and on-track. So, I decided to write today and plan to write at least once a week with my progress. At a minimum, I will write an end-of-week progress report. I’m not sure if anyone out there would actually be interested…but writing here helps me maintain my focus and motivation. So – today is Day One. Let’s go.
Fitness Imposter? 