I have long grappled with the difference between acceptance and resignation. I used to have this idea that I could not allow myself to “accept” the things about myself I saw as unfavorable or less than what I desire them to be because I thought acceptance of my current reality would mean I am not motivated to change it.
In some ways, there is truth in that idea but it is a dangerous and unhealthy way to exist. I used to hold on to a deep rejection and dissatisfaction with “now” to motivate myself for something better later. Looking back, it was even more pervasive than I realized. I pushed myself constantly, rejecting any result that wasn’t perfect. I lived with relentless determination towards perfection as I defined it. I have learned that this type of drive towards perfection is very common for survivors of childhood trauma…duh.
If you grew up trying to be perfect in order to avoid abuse and then learned that no amount of perfect is perfect enough, then it leads to a very unhealthy relationship with yourself and your current reality. It results in a tendency to never accept yourself as you are and to perpetually find yourself “not good enough yet”
EXHAUSTING!
This behavior as adult caught up with me and I crashed down. I developed some severe symptoms, and eventually I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I am working on acceptance that isn’t resignation. I still haven’t quite figured out how to accept myself as I am now and still be motivated to get better, because my motivation has always come from a rejection of how it is now. Doesn’t really making the effort to lose weight or be healthier have to entail being dissatisfied with your current weight and state of health? I feel like a dog chasing it’s tail.
So what current realities do I need to accept?
*I am deep into perimenopause and the hormone swings are making consistency with anything VERY challenging. My emotional state is unpredictable and I tend towards depression at least half of the time. Depression makes it very difficult to be motivated to eat healthy and work out.
*I have very little ability to control this cycle right now.
*I have gained a significant amount of weight and I see how it is now enough to interfere with my strength, mobility, agility, and stamina. Hormone changes also affect these things, my body feels significantly different at different times of the month.
*My body is changing in ways that make my old workout routines more challenging. I have joint and soft tissue pain that makes running more painful. The increased anxiety is also a factor when I think about going running.
*I am not as healthy now as I was a year or two ago, and this is because of the changes in my behavior.
*Right now, my biggest obstacles are the lack of motivation and consistency that are needed to get the results that I want.
So what now? How do I respond to this reality?
My first reaction right now is to say “I don’t know” and cry. Then, here’s the rest of the internal dialogue:
“Don’t give up! Get up and fight for it!”
Then, “oh, even if you fight today, you know it won’t last long, so just don’t bother.”
“You can’t give up, that is accepting defeat, keep trying at least. Some days you will win and some days you won’t…but you have to try!”
“But if consistency is how you win this, then you are not going to win it if you can’t be consistent.”
and on, and on it goes….where this will stop nobody knows 😦
I also recognize that I am in my “stage 1” of depression which is fueling the negative side of the above internal conversation.
Cleary, I don’t have this figured out yet. But, I am determined to keep trying.
Let me try again…
So what now? How do I respond to this reality?
Scale back and look for a few small things I can be consistent with that move me in the right direction.
Make small goals that I can stick to, so that I can feel successful and move forward at the same time. Stop telling myself that this is “lowered expectations” or “selling out” because this isn’t helpful and will make giving up more likely.
Be patient, it might WILL take a while to get where I want. It will be slow. Right now…make slow and steady the goal. Right now…it is simply better to take 1 step forward than to keep taking 20 steps backwards.
What goals would fit with this? Keep it simple, keep it small, keep it “easy” and no more than 2-3 goals. Think- what can I follow through with, even on my bad days? That’s the kicker – the bad days are so very hard to navigate successfully.
But, I need to build up some “success” and some “success” will help me stay motivated. If I can get on a roll, it is easier to keep it going even when I have a bad day, as long as the goals are small and achievable.
Goal 1: EVERY DAY do either a formal workout of any length OR a strenuous physical activity (like yardwork or hiking)
Goal 2: Take the fish oil, St. Johns and my “green drink with Turmeric” every day to help with mental and overall health.
Goal 3: When making food choices ask myself if am I actually hungry right now and WWHME?? (what would healthy me eat?) Make choices that align with healthy me and shoot for generally less intake. Healthy me also doesn’t binge or engage in emotional eating.
Damn, I’m not there yet. Even this feels overwhelming right now (depression level 1). Maybe I should consider medication. Maybe I should just see how I feel tomorrow, or even just an hour from now, or even in just 5 minutes…thanks to hormones, you just never know. I am so sick to death of this.
Seriously – this is what I am talking about! How will I be consistent if I am so all over the place??
Update: I kinda crashed yesterday after I wrote that, but I did much better today so far. I ran a mile this morning and did goal 2, hoping that some quick and early success would set me up for a positive day. So far, so good. I took the dune buggy for a joy ride this afternoon and felt wonderful. Today has been a good day.
Fitness Imposter? 