I seem to be waiting terribly long between posts, and then there’s so much to say I can barely find a place to start.
I just published the last post today, but it was written back in January.
Catching up: hormone therapy is a godsend, things were/are on their way up, I decided to go mostly Keto, my marriage almost ended, and the stress of that brought my immune system down enough to get sick with what is possibly/probably Covid-19. Today I seem to be feeling better, but who knows what else today will bring.
The list above just doesn’t do it justice. Really. Each thing on that list is loaded enough to be it’s own post. But, I can’t really extricate these things from my intention for this post either- to develop a plan of action for the next few weeks. I guess I will need to find a way to blend them both without writing an entire novel.
Since schools are closed and I am in self-quarantine (as requested by the doctor based on my symptoms), I am trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself for the next 3 weeks. I don’t want to just wile away, growing couch ass and binging on Neflix.
Objectives?
*Physical development – get workouts back up, get some muscle back, get some fitness back. Between the total derail of the “I almost got divorced” week where I didn’t sleep or eat for almost 3 days…and then a few more days of zombie-like existence, then the following week of: “Am I getting a cold? What’s this cough? Why does it hurt when I breathe? Why am I so exhausted? Oh shit I need to lie down! Wow even hanging a little laundry makes me winded.” By the way, I never did run a fever, but I did have one hell of a 4-day-long stomach ache. Not a symptom of Covid, but definitely present for me. Maybe a flare-up of diverticulitis because my immune system was under assault?
Do I feel well enough today to work out a little? I plan to try. Maybe some time on the bike plus some body work. I should avoid running outside for now as long as my lungs are still touchy and as long as I may still be contagious.
*Diet: continue my “mostly Keto” regimen. I gotta say, it is working beautifully so far and without the feeling of deprivation I get from calorie restriction that usually leads to a binge. The longer I am “off carbs” the more have have little desire for them.
I’d like to share something pretty personal, I recently came to terms with how much food meant(means?) to me. I allowed myself to admit how I used food to deal with just about every emotion, how I used food to try not to feel things, how I used food as a primary coping strategy. Food was how I celebrate, food was how I decompressed, food was how I soothed myself, food was my bestie. Food was the very definition of “frenemy”.
When I thought about going on a “diet” I tried not to acknowledge the internal panic that rose immediately at the “loss” of my bestie. Imagine the horrible ex that you break up with only to “hook up” whenever your are feeling lonely. Then always hate yourself after. Well, that’s food for me. More specifically, carbs. After all, I don’t really binge on celery and chicken.
Since I started “mostly keto” about 3 weeks ago, I have lost 8 pounds and I have not wanted to binge. I don’t feel deprived. I realize that being calorie restricted made me worry that I would eat all my food and still be hungry for the rest of the night (which happened often). Somehow this would lead to a “fuck it, I’m hungry” moment on many days, and that usually resulted in an all-out binge.
That doesn’t happen with Keto. I come home hungry and I know I can eat as much as I need to without fear of being deprived. I can more easily control what I eat when I don’t feel like I am “not allowed” to eat enough.
I also read a book called Never Binge Again. Some of the author’s philosophy is a little “out there” but it is effective. I have found myself in the store being tempted to get/want something taboo and quietly said, “shut up pig”. NO, that is not me calling myself a pig! It’s a strategy from the book where you separate your true self from your inner food addict, dubbed “the pig”. That way, YOU are not having a craving or wanting to buy those chocolate donut-holes, it’s you inner addict – your “pig”.
The best take-away from the book is a 4-way food plan you develop for yourself. Seriously, it was nice to read an idea from this author and NOT have him tell me how/what I should eat. He clearly encourages you to develop it for yourself based on where you are and what you know of yourself. I loved it.
The basics of what he recommends: a 4-part plan/list. Never, Always, Unrestricted, Conditional. If you are truly interested, consider reading the book. He really had some good insights and I’m still working on processing it. I didn’t finish the whole book – it seemed to offer what was valuable to me and then got a little wonky. I got something great out if it, and then I put it down when it seemed to “go a little too far”.
I will likely go back and reread at least some of it to glean just a bit more, I think there’s layers for me to get under slowly. My food addiction began when I was 8 yeas old, so at 47 it makes sense that I won’t get it all resolved in a day or two! It will take time to unpack it all. Duh.
Anyway, I am basically keto except for 1 meal per week where I can just relax and have a taco without worrying about the tortilla. If you are interested in my personal 4-way food plan, let me know and I’ll do a post on it.
*Personal development: so many many things. Learn a language? Work on that book I began but never finished? Start a new autobiographical book that I’ve always thought I would write someday?
*Mental/Emotional development: continue reading and reflecting on personally resonant topics – Shame, food addition, and “to be discovered”
*Relationship development: as I said, my marriage almost ended. In the end, what was an awful, gut-wrenching crisis that brought us both to our knees….was the moment we realized how much we truly love each other, how much we had each retreated into our own defense mechanisms, how far apart we had gotten, and how vitally important our marriage was to both of us. We decided that it was important enough to lay it all out and put it on the line, show our uglies, take the risky move of fully revealing what the hell was going on inside us, getting vulnerable and quite terrified.
It was time to go all in, or get all out. We chose all in.
And here’s where hormone therapy comes in….if not for that and the radical changes it made for me on a cellular level, I would probably be working on divorce papers. Read my post on “feeling lost” and you will come to understand why hormone therapy became a life-changing, marriage saving, miracle for me.
Don’t get me wrong – I had my shit, and he definitely had his. We were equally responsible for our part in making it and in breaking it. Now, we have both taken a long hard look at the roles we both played, the things we misinterpreted, and the ways we each withdrew in unhealthy and ineffective “self-protection” strategies. We have each committed to the hard-ass work of not only laying it on the line with each other, but the even harder work of keeping it all on the line day in and day out.
We both fully acknowledge that only DAILY dedication, careful attention and total commitment will allow us to keep what we’ve rediscovered. Otherwise, it will easily get lost again in the hustle and bustle of daily life, in the ridiculously stupid arguments over peppers and lettuce, and in the seductive and deceptive “comfort” of our default personal withdrawal strategies.
*Rest/Relax/Rejuvenate: um…I’ve been though it. In the span of a couple weeks I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically destroyed by a whole host of hellish things. I want to take some time to love myself, heal my heart, patch my soul back together, and just….come home.
Next up: some kind of “plan”….
Fitness Imposter? 